Being in a long-term relationship can offer various benefits such as trust, understanding, respect, and some form of predictability. These factors can contribute to a feeling of settlement which a lot of people strive towards. Going through the stages of getting to know each other, discovering each other’s tastes and preferences, having your first disagreement, discussing future perspectives, understanding family background, morals, religion and values, is very exciting, rewarding and challenging at the same time. Most people appreciate the phase of settling and finding balance and harmony as well.
couples the investment in the relationship decreases largely after the settlement phase (living together, being married, having children) which can subconsciously allow the balance to move towards a position of being fixed or stuck. This could happen to the relationship in general as well as to the intimate relationship. The initial excitement and curiosity of getting to know each other sexually could wear off after a few years to result in a lack of passion and innovation. This could generate dissatisfaction, lack of sexual desire, burned out passion or even infidelity.
A relationship requires investment in all stages of its existence. In some stages this will come more naturally than in others. In marriage counselling I often see couples who are still willing to invest but realise that the usual methods are not doing the trick any more. This is when I usually address the strategy of changing routines. Have you ever noticed that when you’re forced by circumstances to change your morning routine, you are far more aware of what’s happening in the house or how you usually go about things? This is what we can apply to a sexual or intimate encounter as well. Once you change the common sequence or interaction it will create an opportunity to feel the excitement again, for desire to flow and to become more aware of how a touch really feels, for example.
Do you feel stuck or frozen in your intimate relationship and do you like to change this? Change the recipe of your sexual interaction by changing at least one ingredient: the place where you are going to be intimate, who initiates the interaction, the position or even the time of the day to be intimate. You will notice that changing one factor will change the whole experience, because it’s outside the regular box.
If you would like to create some change in a playful way or when your mind lacks inspiration, you could resort to some fun sexy games that have been developed to introduce some creativity or change in your normal conversation or interaction pattern. Games you can think of are, for example: The Discovery Game, To Know You Better or A Private Affair. There are even some apps for your smart phone to download and play. The other day I came across a similar type of intervention in one of the sex therapy books which provides 3 sets of cards: romantic questions cards, romantic gestures cards and sexual fun cards. I consider this a helpful tool for couples who would like to know each other better, have some fun and intimate interaction but have no idea where to start.
All the options discussed above are general suggestions in how to change the interaction with your partner when you feel your relationship could use a little spark. It could be that these interventions are not suited for your situation (some might not be polyamorous or gay proof) or they might not appeal to you. In that case I would suggest discussing the specific issues that are challenging your relationship with a professional counsellor to sort out a strategy that matches your needs and preferences. We can book you (and your partner) in for an appointment to discuss a strategy that meets your needs. I am keen to tailor my approach to what you and your partner need because your relationship deserves the attention and best support!
A relationship requires investment in all stages of its existence. In some stages this will come more naturally than in others. In marriage counselling I often see couples who are still willing to invest but realise that the usual methods are not doing the trick any more. This is when I usually address the strategy of changing routines. Have you ever noticed that when you’re forced by circumstances to change your morning routine, you are far more aware of what’s happening in the house or how you usually go about things? This is what we can apply to a sexual or intimate encounter as well. Once you change the common sequence or interaction it will create an opportunity to feel the excitement again, for desire to flow and to become more aware of how a touch really feels, for example.
Do you feel stuck or frozen in your intimate relationship and do you like to change this? Change the recipe of your sexual interaction by changing at least one ingredient: the place where you are going to be intimate, who initiates the interaction, the position or even the time of the day to be intimate. You will notice that changing one factor will change the whole experience, because it’s outside the regular box.
If you would like to create some change in a playful way or when your mind lacks inspiration, you could resort to some fun sexy games that have been developed to introduce some creativity or change in your normal conversation or interaction pattern. Games you can think of are, for example: The Discovery Game, To Know You Better or A Private Affair. There are even some apps for your smart phone to download and play. The other day I came across a similar type of intervention in one of the sex therapy books which provides 3 sets of cards: romantic questions cards, romantic gestures cards and sexual fun cards. I consider this a helpful tool for couples who would like to know each other better, have some fun and intimate interaction but have no idea where to start.
All the options discussed above are general suggestions in how to change the interaction with your partner when you feel your relationship could use a little spark. It could be that these interventions are not suited for your situation (some might not be polyamorous or gay proof) or they might not appeal to you. In that case I would suggest discussing the specific issues that are challenging your relationship with a professional counsellor to sort out a strategy that matches your needs and preferences. We can book you (and your partner) in for an appointment to discuss a strategy that meets your needs. I am keen to tailor my approach to what you and your partner need because your relationship deserves the attention and best support!
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