“Meet Kate and Mark. They are in their early thirties and have been together for 8 years. They are ready to start a family and have tried for several months to conceive. The disappointment of having her period every month makes Kate feel sad and unsettled. She now uses ovulation tests to increase her chance of pregnancy which has caused the sexual interaction to be timed and on demand. This has negatively impacted Mark’s desire to be intimate as intercourse has become a performance with high expectations. The sex has become single focussed on his ejaculation to the cost of their intimacy. Due to this demand on his sexual performance and the lack of intimacy his erection has lost strength and sometimes disappears completely. This issue puts both partners under even more stress. The arguments start to build...“
Trying to have a baby sounds very romantic and it can be. But for some couples the process of
Trying to have a baby sounds very romantic and it can be. But for some couples the process of
conceiving is somewhat more complicated. Infertility problems can cause severe stress on the couple and on their sexual relationship. The interaction between infertility and sexual problems is a reciprocal and complicated one.
Sexual problems can cause infertility but from the example above you can see that this correlation can also be the other way around: infertility can cause sexual problems by the pressure to perform or to have sex on demand. So what can you do to maintain a happy and healthy sexual relationship while trying to conceive?
One thing that is very important in this time is to talk to each other! Communicate! Discuss the expectations as well as your emotions during this process. You are both different persons with different emotional` coping strategies and needs. When your partner doesn’t show his emotions the same way you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the same emotions. There is strong evidence that men use different coping mechanisms based on gender and social expectations. Talking with each other can help both of you to understand and support each other’s needs.
Another important strategy is something we call ‘outercourse’. During the monthly cycle there are moments of decreased fertility based on the woman’s hormone levels. If it has become a pressure to have intercourse during fertile days you might want to consider putting more emphasis on ‘outercourse’ on the other days: enjoy touch, massage, or sexual stimulation without focussing on penetration or ejaculation. Focus on sexual pleasure, fun and intimacy. It is helpful of course to discuss this approach with each other to set equal expectations.
When you feel that you it’s too hard to share your emotions with your partner and you know someone who understands your situation, use this outlet and share your experiences with this person. Talking to friends can cause a relief that will reduce the stress on you and your relationship. Be aware though that if feeling disconnected from your partner is the main issue, confiding in friends won’t solve this.
Sometimes I hear from couples who are trying to conceive that the focus is all on this process, even their conversations are usually about this topic or something related (“which room will we choose for the baby room?”). This requires another approach: connect with each other in other ways, talk about different things, go to the movies (and maybe not one about pregnant women), or start a joint project (sports / upgrading the garden / paint the living). Even during these activities the topic of children might pass and you shouldn’t have to bite your tongue all the time. Try to settle for a happy medium where you both feel connected and comfortable.
If your pregnancy stays out for too long (depending on your age but generally after 6-12 months of trying) visit a doctor to assist you with your fertility. They will be able to provide you with professional advice or interventions to assist you in fulfilling this dream.
If you are experiencing sexual issues that won’t pass with these tips or if you would like to talk to a professional about the emotional roller coaster of this process, please contact Selma to book an appointment.
Sexual problems can cause infertility but from the example above you can see that this correlation can also be the other way around: infertility can cause sexual problems by the pressure to perform or to have sex on demand. So what can you do to maintain a happy and healthy sexual relationship while trying to conceive?
One thing that is very important in this time is to talk to each other! Communicate! Discuss the expectations as well as your emotions during this process. You are both different persons with different emotional` coping strategies and needs. When your partner doesn’t show his emotions the same way you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the same emotions. There is strong evidence that men use different coping mechanisms based on gender and social expectations. Talking with each other can help both of you to understand and support each other’s needs.
Another important strategy is something we call ‘outercourse’. During the monthly cycle there are moments of decreased fertility based on the woman’s hormone levels. If it has become a pressure to have intercourse during fertile days you might want to consider putting more emphasis on ‘outercourse’ on the other days: enjoy touch, massage, or sexual stimulation without focussing on penetration or ejaculation. Focus on sexual pleasure, fun and intimacy. It is helpful of course to discuss this approach with each other to set equal expectations.
When you feel that you it’s too hard to share your emotions with your partner and you know someone who understands your situation, use this outlet and share your experiences with this person. Talking to friends can cause a relief that will reduce the stress on you and your relationship. Be aware though that if feeling disconnected from your partner is the main issue, confiding in friends won’t solve this.
Sometimes I hear from couples who are trying to conceive that the focus is all on this process, even their conversations are usually about this topic or something related (“which room will we choose for the baby room?”). This requires another approach: connect with each other in other ways, talk about different things, go to the movies (and maybe not one about pregnant women), or start a joint project (sports / upgrading the garden / paint the living). Even during these activities the topic of children might pass and you shouldn’t have to bite your tongue all the time. Try to settle for a happy medium where you both feel connected and comfortable.
If your pregnancy stays out for too long (depending on your age but generally after 6-12 months of trying) visit a doctor to assist you with your fertility. They will be able to provide you with professional advice or interventions to assist you in fulfilling this dream.
If you are experiencing sexual issues that won’t pass with these tips or if you would like to talk to a professional about the emotional roller coaster of this process, please contact Selma to book an appointment.
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